


The Biggest Aspidistra In The World

by WolfieOnAO3



Series: The Brewer's Dictionary of Short Stories [10]
Category: Good Omens (Radio), Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: ....sort of - Freeform, Comedy, Crack-esque, Crack-ish, Dialogue Heavy, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Horticulture, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Plants, gracie fields - Freeform, the biggest aspidistra in the world - Freeform, vintage records, well sort of crack anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:41:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23740006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfieOnAO3/pseuds/WolfieOnAO3
Summary: "‘Crowley, I hope you don’t find this question offensive, but what in the name of all that is holy has happened to your flat?!'"A plant gets unruly.For the Brewer's prompt: Aspidistra
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: The Brewer's Dictionary of Short Stories [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1691002
Comments: 17
Kudos: 64





	The Biggest Aspidistra In The World

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Français available: [Le Plus Grand Aspidistra Du Monde](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24318991) by [Likia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Likia/pseuds/Likia)



> Aspidistra  
>  _A very hardy member of the lily family, with broad, lance-shaped leaves and small, inconspicuous flowers borne at soil level. It was a popular house plant from late Victorian times until the 1920s because of its ability to survive in gaslit rooms, and it became a symbol of lower middle-class philistinism and dull respectability. George Orwell wrote a novel called Keep The Aspidistra Flying (1936)._  
>  \- The Brewer's Dictionary of Phrase and Fable

_Knock knock knock_.

‘Ngk. Just a sec!’

Moments pass. A minute. A minute and a half-

_Knock knock knock._

‘Crowley, it’s me!’

‘Yeah, yeah, I know! There in -oof- just a sec!’

Another moment passes. A crash.

‘Are you all right in there?’

‘Yes! Fine!’ One beat. Two beats. ‘ _Bloody hell_ -ngk-!’

‘Crowley, can I just come in, please?’

‘Argh! Uh, yeah -ngk- Oh, no, wait, I think it’s -ouch!- I think it’s locked. I’ll just--’ Crowley’s sentence was interrupted by a high-pitched yelp. ‘Argh! Aziraphale! How did you get in? -ouch-’

The angel stood, dumbstruck, staring at the… _scene_ in the demon’s flat.

‘Uh...’ Aziraphale held up a key. 

‘Oh yeah, I forgot you had that.’

‘Crowley, I hope you don’t find this question offensive, but _what in the name of all that is holy has happened to your flat?!’_

Crowley finally succeeded in untangling himself from a mass of creeping stems and leaves, and turned to properly face the angel. 

‘Er, well-- ’ an extremely large leaf swung down from _somewhere_ and smacked him in the face. ‘Ouch! ...It’s uh. It’s a long story. Er… If you could just go through that door, there, please.’

Aziraphale went through that door, there, and Crowley followed, slamming it behind him and then leaning back against it with a sigh.

‘This is the bathroom, Crowley.’

‘Yeah. Sorry. It’s the only place It hasn’t got into. Yet.’ The “It” was audibly capitalised.

The angel perched himself on the side of the large, expensive looking bath tub in the centre of the room which, despite appearing to be a mid-Victorian claw-footed antique with no discernible additional plumbing leading to any point of it but the taps, had jacuzzi jets.

‘I am a little afraid to ask what _It_ is, but I think I am going to have to.’

The demon pushed his hands up under his glasses, which were missing one lens, and rubbed his eyes wearily. ‘Couldn’t you see for yourself?’ he asked bitterly as he stalked over to the sink. He leaned his hands on the rim and inspected his damage in the mirror. ‘It’s a bit hard to miss.’ _Hole in right jacket shoulder, glasses broken, bruise on left cheekbone, chlorophyll stains on shirt, chlorophyll stains on face, chlorophyll stains on hands--_

‘Oh _bugger it!_ My watch is gone!’

‘Crowley….’

‘Do you know how much that watch cost?! You could feed half of the East End for a week with the money that watch was worth!’

‘My dear, you never _pay_ for things.’

‘That’s not the _point_ ,’ Crowley whined. ‘That _bastard_. I’ll kill it! Argh!’ He kicked a small wastebin, but it merely rebounded off of a wall and wobbled itself back upright as though nothing had happened.

‘Crowley.’

‘What!’

‘Would you like to explain exactly what is going on?’ Aziraphale softened as the demon threw himself down pathetically to sit on the lid of the toilet and buried his head in his hands. ‘Please? Maybe I can help?’

‘Do oo affa tainshaw?’ 

‘Sorry?’

Crowley lifted his face from out of his hands. ‘I said _Do you have a chainsaw_?’

Aziraphale thought for a moment. ‘Not sure. Definitely have an axe, but--’

‘Oh, never mind, I was being rhetorical.’

‘Oh.’

Crowley stared with a mournful expression at the door. A leaf was beginning to slide beneath it.

‘Crowley?’

‘Hm!? What?! Oh. Er.’

‘Please will you tell me why there is what appears to be a giant…’

‘Aspidistra.’

‘...A giant aspidistra taking over almost the entirety of your flat.’

Crowley sighed. ‘Remember the other day, when we were in your bookshop?’

‘I’m afraid you will have to be a _little_ more specific, my dear…’

‘The night you got your gramophone out.’

‘Oh, yes! You brought Thai food, and I managed to play through half of _Jesus Christ Superstar_ on vinyl before you noticed and made me play _Jefferson Airplane_ for half an hour to “be fair”. They were quite good, actually.’

‘Yeah, and then after that you put on some old records from the ‘30s.’

‘Mm, yes, that was a _most_ pleasant evening, my dear, we shall have to do that again some time. You could bring some of your bebop records, if you--’

‘ _And_ ,’ the demon cut in, pointedly, ‘you played that _Gracie Fields_ song…’

‘Gracie… Oh, yes! The old music hall one. How did it go? _It shot up like a rocket, til it nearly reached the sky_ , _the_ … Oh.’

‘ _It’s the biggest aspidistra in the world_ …’ Crowley finished singing the verse, in a choked sort of a tone.

Aziraphale shook his head. ‘Oh dear.’

‘Ngk-- It-- I-- _Right. Look_. In that song, she says that her brother, Joe, yeah, he crossed their aspidistra with an acorn cutting when it wasn’t growing very well. And I thought to myself _“I wonder if that works?”_ Grafting plants is A Thing, isn’t it? I did it with those roses last year.’

‘Oh, yes, those lovely peach ones you gave me a vase of? They were beautiful.’

‘Yeah, exactly. So, I thought, you know, the science is… not ridiculous. And then I forgot about it because we drank about a swimming pool’s worth of wine. But then when I got home the next morning I remembered that I did in fact have an aspidistra that was languishing in the airing cupboard, and--’

‘Why was it in the airing cupboard?’

‘It was in Time Out.’

‘Oh _really_ , my dear...’

‘Don’t question my methods, angel.’

‘My apologies. They do seem to be working out _wonderfully_ for you.’

Crowley gave a strangled scream and buried his face back in his hands.

‘Oh, _my dear boy…’_

When he felt a gentle hand give his shoulder a reassuring squeeze, the demon turned his face from his hands and buried it instead into the shirt of the angel now standing next to him. ‘I aff nurt ad a vrry grrd drrr.’

Aziraphale patted him on the head. ‘No. I rather think you haven’t, have you, old thing? Not a very good day at all. ...This may be a stupid question, my dear, but why have you not simply… made it go away?’

Crowley jerked his head up, and hissed _‘Because that means It_ won _.’_

‘Yes. Of course. Silly me. Would it be possible for you to _not_ scrunch up the material so hard?’

‘Sorry.’ Crowley let go of his handfuls of angel-shirt. 

‘No harm done. Now,’ the angel darted a look at the leaf determinedly reaching under the door. If he didn’t know better he would say it was trying to reach the lock. ‘What are we going to do about that little problem out there, then?’

Crowley shrugged. ‘I was thinking perhaps I could just move house. I could move in with you. That could be fun.’

‘Anytime you like, my dear, but I don’t think that that is _quite_ the best solution to _this_ particular pickle.’ 

‘What, then! It’s an _aspidistra_ , angel. Do you know how hard those things are to kill?! And I swear it’s developed a mind of its own. It tripped me up earlier. Wrapped a tendril right around my ankle and _yanked_ . It _hurt_ . I think that’s how I got this black eye. The thing is sentient, I’m telling you. It’s _clever_.

The angel’s face darkened. ‘Is it, now?’ He took off his jacket. ‘Would you mind holding this for me, my dear?’

‘Hm? Yeah. Whatever. I suppose we could come at it together, from different directions. Flank it. If you distract it, I might be able to get the weed killer under the sink in the kitchen and-- What are you doing?

Aziraphale was rolling up his sleeves. Aziraphale was loosening his tie. 

‘If you’ll just excuse me for a moment, my dear boy, I think I ought to go and take a _closer look_ at this rogue plant of yours.’

‘No, wait, I don’t think that’s a good-- Angel, I don’t think that-- Hey, no. Where are you going? Aziraphale! Oi! Aziraphale! Come back!’

Aziraphale left the room and closed the door behind him. A burst of flickering light flashed from beneath it. Crowley yanked his fingers from the door handle as it suddenly grew hot.

‘Aziraphale! What are you doing out there? ...Don’t wreck my carpet!!’

A series of disconcertingly _biological_ noises crunched, snapped, fluttered, and squelched their way under the door. Then silence.

‘...Angel?’

The door swung slowly open. 

Crowley stepped out into the hallway.

Aziraphale was rolling his sleeves back down. 

‘Whuh…?’ Crowley said, eloquently. 

‘Ah, my jacket. Thank you, my dear.’

‘Where is the--’

‘I didn’t just miracle it away, don’t worry. No need for your pride to suffer, along with your poor face.’ The angel raised his hand and ran his thumb lightly over the bruise below the demon’s eye, and it faded away with just a hint of a sparkle.

‘Thanks,’ Crowley said, absently, as he looked around the pristine flat. ‘Uh. What happened to the, uh. The thing. Plant. Aspidistra.’

Aziraphale smiled innocently, and brushed a slightly charred scrap of leaf from his shoulder. ‘Let’s just say I put it in _Time Out_.’


End file.
